I can honestly say that post-graduation is one of the most awkward times of your life, even more awkward than those middle school years (and let's be honest, you all know that those years were #awksauce). I use the word awkward because that is how I truly feel right now. You're not sure what to do, where to go, you don't have too many answers for those who are just naturally curious about your future. When you go to sleep or wake up in the morning and are just lying there silently in bed, you feel like a part of you is missing. I bet most of you are thinking, dang-- this girl is being so over dramatic, but most of you aren't at this point in life yet, so you really don't know what it feels like. I can promise you these feelings. I'm not even saying that these feelings are bad. It just is what it is.
If you really know me, you knew that I loved college and enjoyed school, but at the same time wanted to be done so badly. I was acutely aware that college was only a minuscule part of my life, and I would try very hard to embrace it as such, while at the same time, enjoying each moment. I would say I did a pretty, freaking good job at that.
*pats myself on back*
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| Me and my college roommates! #darrowflow #222 |
I didn't let college define me. I don't let what it says on my diploma define me. I know I am living for much more. I have a bigger job to do, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I'm now in this post-graduate season of life.
Honestly, right now I'm just excited to live some life. I'm excited to read books for fun, to take pictures, to make videos, to take walks, to have meaningful conversations with people, to just observe the world. Again, some of you might think I'm off my rocker. I'm not saying that I don't want any responsibility, but I am saying that I'm not at the point in life with the responsibilities of a full time job, or husband, or family, or house....and I'm going to embrace that with all that is within me. At this time, I'm not applying for jobs in my field. I am currently employed at the mall at one of my favorite stores (which I'm actually super pumped about!) and I'm just living some awkward, but awesome post-grad life.
The impression on my heart right now is to sit with my Jesus. I felt like that for a while leading up to graduation. I just couldn't shake it. I felt like I wasn't supposed to make any huge life altering decisions this summer, but I was supposed to sit with God. For the last 16 years of my life, I always knew what the next year would hold...school. And for once in my life, I don't know what's next, and I think God really wants me to embrace this season instead of scrambling to find the next thing to be drawn to. I don't just want to find the next thing to be drawn to, I want to be drawn more to Him.
It's my hearts desire to continue to be in tune with the Holy Spirit and where he is leading me daily. I'm not worried about what God is calling me to do 20 years from now; I really want to be aware of what God is calling me to do right now. Thinking about the future is great, but at the same time can be counterproductive to the moment. I used to be a big planner and have everything lined up. Control was a problem for me and through a series of circumstances, God quickly showed me that I wasn't the one in control. And for someone with a Type-A personality, that is not always easy to deal with, but I'm glad I have to.
I have to trust Jesus daily. I am hopelessly human and remarkably unremarkable, but Jesus wants to use me any way. It's beautiful, exciting, and scary all at the same time. My heart is heavily drenched with purpose. I am so thankful that God has laid that sense of purpose on my heart through out my college years. It made those days of sadness, confusion, and frustration so much easier to embrace. The creativeness, inspiration, and passion that I always have felt deep down inside, I know God put there for a real reason. I know God's given me the ability to change this world. What I feel in my heart sometimes cannot be put into words, and that's exactly how I know that it is of God, and not me. Everyday I hang on to this clear, yet unclear, messy, creative, God-inspired dream. I feel like, if i knew exactly what it was, I would want to take control of this adventure that is before me.
Below, is a spoken word from a song that I just adore, called Cageless Birds, by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser (check it out on Spotify!). If my heart could talk, this is exactly what it would say....
Standing on the shore of decision looking into the face of adventure desire to abandon all I know what pushes me is rooted somewhere between misunderstanding and knowing, knowing that what I want to understand is not within my reach. So, i ponder my escape not knowing what lies ahead. Adventure in theory is full of excitement and bleeds with passion for life, but adventure in reality is full of breathless moments, silent nights and wounds that leave scars of memory on our heart. Can I go the distance? Can I give all my mind to get what the messenger is saying? Can I surrender my knowing? Will I survive the humility of ignorance to obtain a treasure that earthly gold cannot buy? Will I ask the question of honesty even if the answer convicts my soul and sends me to the land of repentance? All of these thoughts flood my mind. As I stand on the shore of choosing, and in the distance of my wondering I see with clear eyes, a flock of wild beautiful birds, swooping clearly in my direction as if they see me and are coming for me. And how strange it is that their eyes are full of clarity and the melody of their flapping wings sings out...we are coming for you.
Don't let this world break your dreams. Sometimes what's in your heart, people aren't always going to understand, maybe you find yourself not fully understanding it either. People are going to remind you about money and time and the uncertainty and the risk and the unrealistic-ness of it all and the blahblahblah.
But I'll just simply leave you with this....
Our God is good, but he is not safe.
Keep your heart wild for Jesus.
