It's hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone. It's seems like the year just flew by. In short, 2011 has definitely had its ups and downs. Writing those previous statements seems so cliché to me; nevertheless, they are all true. As I was reflecting on my own 2011, it made me realize how thankful I am for new beginnings and God’s never ending love and mercy.
The most challenging part of the year for me was definitely the last four months. There was a lot I had to think about and important decisions had to be made that, in turn, would really impact my future. During those months I lost myself, my peace, and my joy. It was noticeable to myself and those around me. Yes, I was surrounded by people, but at the same time felt very alone. I was angry and bitter. I was frustrated about factors in my life that I couldn’t really do anything about/things that were not my fault in the first place—factors that I realized sometimes controlled my life. At times, I also felt very far from God—I wanted answers, and worst of all, I wanted my own way. I was throwing myself a pity party and looking back now, that is something I am not very proud of. You could definitely say I was fighting a spiritual battle that was a reflection of natural circumstances.
God’s purpose for one’s life, I feel like is a topic that can be discussed until the cows come home. “How do I know God’s purpose for my life? How do I know if this is the right decision? Am I even supposed to be going down this path?” BLAH BLAH BLAH. It can be maddening. Going in circles was how I was feeling. Spinning my wheels but going nowhere was what I was doing. Maybe I was too controlling of my own life? The funny thing was the harder I tried to gain control of my life, the more I was losing control. The words worried and stressed are a complete understatement of the state of my inner being during that time. It wasn’t until recently where I got a godly perspective of what those words really mean. Pastor, author, and speaker Francis Chan defines them as the following: 1) Worry: Implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. 2) Stress: Says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. In his book “Crazy Love,” Chan writes the following, “Basically these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely afraid, or hurt ever again, and that is in the context of God’s strength, our problems, are small, indeed.”
Wow, can you say convicting?!
During those months, I had trouble trusting in God’s plan for my life. I was uncomfortable not knowing exactly how he is going to use me for his kingdom. I looked around at others and it seemed as if they all were doing what they wanted to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that were leaving God out of their life’s equation, but they all seemed to have these big plans and goals that were all coming to pass. I felt like I was going nowhere, doing nothing. I so deeply fear that I will not make an impact with my life, I will be "ineffective." I have a passion deep in my heart to make an impact in such a nontraditional way. In a way, it kind of broke my heart to see a dream slowly slip through my hands.
Group One Crew’s song “I Have a Dream” said it best, “A young girl growing up it was hard to adapt//I felt like every other girl was given life with a map//They seemed to know where they were going//I didn't know jack, I had to play it cool never let them see where I'm at//You see I tried hard to remove all the scars//But I could never see my dreams they were always too far//I'm not afraid to write a song that exposes my pain//I lived my life backwards so when it poured it rained//But I got through the weather now I'm changing the game//And dreaming remains the source of everything we proclaim…”
As 2011 came to a close, I still didn’t have the answers I was looking for, and you know what I realized?!—that I don’t have to. Minus my lack of answers I did, however, gain a new found trust and peace. As I go into the year 2012, the word I would like to use to describe how I am feeling is “whatever.” Not “whatever” in the sense of the lackadaisical attitude that is so unappealing, but “whatever” meaning—Lord WHATEVER you want me to do, WHATEVER you want me to be, WHATEVER direction you want me to go, I am ready, willing, and waiting for an adventure. I know in due time he will reveal what he will want me to do, but in the meantime I have to keep pursuing him like never before. I feel like the past months have been a blessing in disguise. As I felt myself losing control, I felt God gaining control. And there can never be a more wonderful feeling than that.
The most challenging part of the year for me was definitely the last four months. There was a lot I had to think about and important decisions had to be made that, in turn, would really impact my future. During those months I lost myself, my peace, and my joy. It was noticeable to myself and those around me. Yes, I was surrounded by people, but at the same time felt very alone. I was angry and bitter. I was frustrated about factors in my life that I couldn’t really do anything about/things that were not my fault in the first place—factors that I realized sometimes controlled my life. At times, I also felt very far from God—I wanted answers, and worst of all, I wanted my own way. I was throwing myself a pity party and looking back now, that is something I am not very proud of. You could definitely say I was fighting a spiritual battle that was a reflection of natural circumstances.
God’s purpose for one’s life, I feel like is a topic that can be discussed until the cows come home. “How do I know God’s purpose for my life? How do I know if this is the right decision? Am I even supposed to be going down this path?” BLAH BLAH BLAH. It can be maddening. Going in circles was how I was feeling. Spinning my wheels but going nowhere was what I was doing. Maybe I was too controlling of my own life? The funny thing was the harder I tried to gain control of my life, the more I was losing control. The words worried and stressed are a complete understatement of the state of my inner being during that time. It wasn’t until recently where I got a godly perspective of what those words really mean. Pastor, author, and speaker Francis Chan defines them as the following: 1) Worry: Implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. 2) Stress: Says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. In his book “Crazy Love,” Chan writes the following, “Basically these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely afraid, or hurt ever again, and that is in the context of God’s strength, our problems, are small, indeed.”
Wow, can you say convicting?!
During those months, I had trouble trusting in God’s plan for my life. I was uncomfortable not knowing exactly how he is going to use me for his kingdom. I looked around at others and it seemed as if they all were doing what they wanted to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that were leaving God out of their life’s equation, but they all seemed to have these big plans and goals that were all coming to pass. I felt like I was going nowhere, doing nothing. I so deeply fear that I will not make an impact with my life, I will be "ineffective." I have a passion deep in my heart to make an impact in such a nontraditional way. In a way, it kind of broke my heart to see a dream slowly slip through my hands.
Group One Crew’s song “I Have a Dream” said it best, “A young girl growing up it was hard to adapt//I felt like every other girl was given life with a map//They seemed to know where they were going//I didn't know jack, I had to play it cool never let them see where I'm at//You see I tried hard to remove all the scars//But I could never see my dreams they were always too far//I'm not afraid to write a song that exposes my pain//I lived my life backwards so when it poured it rained//But I got through the weather now I'm changing the game//And dreaming remains the source of everything we proclaim…”
As 2011 came to a close, I still didn’t have the answers I was looking for, and you know what I realized?!—that I don’t have to. Minus my lack of answers I did, however, gain a new found trust and peace. As I go into the year 2012, the word I would like to use to describe how I am feeling is “whatever.” Not “whatever” in the sense of the lackadaisical attitude that is so unappealing, but “whatever” meaning—Lord WHATEVER you want me to do, WHATEVER you want me to be, WHATEVER direction you want me to go, I am ready, willing, and waiting for an adventure. I know in due time he will reveal what he will want me to do, but in the meantime I have to keep pursuing him like never before. I feel like the past months have been a blessing in disguise. As I felt myself losing control, I felt God gaining control. And there can never be a more wonderful feeling than that.
